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So this blogpost is pretty late considering my birthday was May 19th. I’ve been meaning to write about this for a long time but the past few months have been a complete whirlwind and a mixture of me being busy and then being completely wiped out from being so busy! I’m sure that if you also suffer from a chronic illness you can relate, as sometimes it can be pretty difficult when it comes to making plans and your body can end up choosing when and what you do! Excuses aside, I wanted to talk about my birthday this year and why it was one of the best so far.
So this might just be me, but I always find birthdays a bit stressful, I hate the pressure that comes with them to have a good time and as this was my 21st I felt the pressure to do something ‘special’ even more so. A huge relapse of my health, taking me back to a state I hadn’t been in for over three years was not helpful whatsoever. It was around February, when my relapse had begun to get worse, that I truly started dreading my birthday. As a result of my bad health I hadn’t been ‘out out’ since October (and still haven’t) and even the idea of going out for dinner looked impossible, so it didn’t seem like there were going to be many options when it came to making plans.
Despite my apprehension to even go out for dinner, about a month before my birthday I booked tickets to the Icebar London (pretty ambitious as at the time I needed a wheelchair to get around). I still have no idea what I was thinking. Obviously the added pressure of being well on my birthday so that I could go to the Icebar wasn’t helpful to my symptoms. I ended up cancelling it and rearranging it for a later date. In the end I managed to go to three meals for my birthday and survive. One with my uni friends, one with my home friends and then a family meal. I can’t tell you how happy I was to have survived it all, I hadn’t been well enough to go out for a meal in months and had managed to go to three without having much space in between the days to rest. Even though for each meal I went to I had been in bed ill the whole day and on one occasion I had been in tears a few hours before going as I felt so unwell, I managed to go to each. I had also already prepared myself for how awful I would feel after going and planned to rest so I think this helped a lot as I wasn’t shocked at how bad I felt or stressed, so didn’t aggravate my symptoms further.
To be honest I had such a lovely time and was so unbelievably happy with how much I had managed that I sort of forgot about the Icebar and had already decided to maybe sell the tickets, as I knew realistically I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. However for some reason I didn’t cancel the tickets and on June 4th I pushed myself the most that I have in about 5 months. We left as late as we could so that there would be as little walking as possible (I didn’t feel confident enough to take my wheelchair on the trains with me, so didn’t take it despite the fact that I had even had to use it to go out on my actual birthday). I don’t know if anyone else is the same but even travelling can be exhausting at times as sitting up can be quite difficult, so I sort of expected to feel hideous by the time I was in London. By some miracle I managed the train journey and the short walk to the Icebar from the station, I also managed the meal (without a migraine happening, as that’s usually what happens when I’m out) and the 40 minute experience. I have no idea how my body managed to behave for so long, even up to when I was walking back to the train, but it did. The symptoms didn’t hit me until I was on the train on the way home (and yes they hit pretty hard when they did, making me bed bound for quite a few days after).
Payback aside, I feel like I need to celebrate this milestone as well as the milestone of going out for not one meal, but three, because even they were honestly something I couldn’t see myself doing. With M.E it’s so important not to push yourself as the after affects can last for weeks or months, but I think on the occasions when you are able do more than you usually could and survive, it’s well worth celebrating. I truly surprised myself at how much I was able to manage, I think that resting as much as possible beforehand and planning so that there was as little walking as possible really helped. I also think that preparing yourself in advance and accepting the fact that you are going to have payback is very helpful. It’s something that I still find hard at times but am slowly learning to accept. In my opinion celebrating milestones, even if they’re something like being able to brush your own hair or sitting up for longer than usual, is something really important and it helps you to be thankful and appreciate what you can do. Even though I couldn’t go out with my friends or have a party for my birthday, I still had an amazing time and as cheesy as it sounds, wouldn’t change anything about what I did. Hopefully next year things will be better, but I’m still thankful for what I was able to do this year.
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